Truth be told, it’s been a long time since I felt like myself. At times, reminders were hard to come by, but I had them: time spent with my best friends, surprise notes left for me in books, words of encouragement, words of support, words of power. I’d forgotten my own power. I’ve felt it trickling back over the last month. I basically hermited myself away and did NaNoWriMo in October.
And I finished the book. And I fucking love it.
Charlotte and I have been through a lot together of the past year. She was buried alive and resurrected, rebuilt. I kept the old draft of THE KILLING TYPE for months before I realized I didn’t need it. Charlotte could stand on her own. The first draft… It was crap, as first drafts tend to be, but what I hadn’t realized was that I’d taken Charlotte’s power from her.
This time, I made damn sure to give it back.
She and I have a lot more in common than I realized. Our battles are over, but there’s still a war to win, and so many little fights to overcome. I feel more like myself now than I’ve felt all year, but I also know it’s a fine line to walk.
I finished the book. Now it’s back to putting myself out in the querying world. I’ve panicked over synopsis writing and query drafting and though I’ve barely dipped my toe back in, I know it’s something I have to let go. I will drive myself crazy with fear and worry if I don’t.
I won’t check my email multiple times a day.
I won’t let my mind wandering into dead zone territory.
I won’t daydream horrible things regarding Charlotte’s future.
I will daydream horrible things for fun.
So I’m back to working on last year’s NaNoWriMo project. Revisions. Rewriting. It doesn’t feel terrifying. It doesn’t feel daunting. It’s what I’ll do while I wait. It’s what I’ll think about when I need something outside my reality. I’ve even got another story brewing in the back of my mind, something dark, and creepy, and lyrical.
Which, given the time of year, I could spool into a sinister version of “These are a Few of My Favorite Things.”
And for the first time in ages, I’m itching to draw.
I have things planned.
Terrible, wonderful things.